If you swim out there in the ocean
And you bump into a shark
Nail him with a punch
Or dude, you could be lunch
And if your eye falls from its socket
Don't gather up the slack
The doctor is the one to put that eyeball back

If you ever get caught in a disaster
Simply declare yourself the master of your fate

And if you're cleaning out your ear canal 
With a cotton swab
You could compact the wax 
And make a tighter blob
And if you order in a restaurant
But they don't bring what you want
Don't be nonchalant. demand your croissant

If you ever get caught in a disaster
'Cause your girlfriend is calling you a bastard
You better buy some flowers and blast her with a bouquet

The little Dutch boy on his bike
Saw water leaking down
He kept his finger in that dike
To save his precious town

And should a giant meteor 
Be headed straight for planet Earth
Bone up on religion 
And prepare for your rebirth
And if you jump out of an airplane
With a faulty parachute
I guess the point is moot
Give your final salute

You'll almost always get out of a disaster
Slipping on a cow patty in the pasture
While your fly is wide open and you're plastered
Well, you may be subjected to some laughter
But you still can live happily ever after
Once you declare yourself the master of your fate

Written by Scott Wheatley, Julene Jones
Scott Wheatley: vocals, guitar, kazoo
Larry Melton: bass
Mark Merella: drums

Written by Scott Wheatley, Julene Jones
Scott Wheatley: vocals, guitar, kazoo
Larry Melton: bass
Mark Merella: drums

If you swim out there in the ocean
And you bump into a shark
Nail him with a punch
Or dude, you could be lunch
And if your eye falls from its socket
Don't gather up the slack
The doctor is the one to put that eyeball back

If you ever get caught in a disaster
Simply declare yourself the master of your fate

And if you're cleaning out your ear canal 
With a cotton swab
You could compact the wax 
And make a tighter blob
And if you order in a restaurant
But they don't bring what you want
Don't be nonchalant. demand your croissant

If you ever get caught in a disaster
'Cause your girlfriend is calling you a bastard
You better buy some flowers and blast her with a bouquet

The little Dutch boy on his bike
Saw water leaking down
He kept his finger in that dike
To save his precious town

And should a giant meteor 
Be headed straight for planet Earth
Bone up on religion 
And prepare for your rebirth
And if you jump out of an airplane
With a faulty parachute
I guess the point is moot
Give your final salute

You'll almost always get out of a disaster
Slipping on a cow patty in the pasture
While your fly is wide open and you're plastered
Well, you may be subjected to some laughter
But you still can live happily ever after
Once you declare yourself the master of your fate